I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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