i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
