I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
