I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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