I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
