I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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