today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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