I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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