You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
