gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
