Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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