i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
