I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
this boner is exhausting
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
