1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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