my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I believe in your delicious
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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