Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
