fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
