Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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