I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
