I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
