you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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