goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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