When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
