Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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