70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
