i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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