Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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