I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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