i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
sarcasm needs its own font
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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