last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
