Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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