is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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