guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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