Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
