you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
