Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
