I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
