Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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