can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
