Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
