I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
