I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Randomize
