just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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