I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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