I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
