Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
