I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
