The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
