i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
