I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
